Like my thinness wasn't making me available. I was sitting beside her bed, and I was particularly thin then, and I felt it was because of my thinness that I could be there and emotionally available and experiencing these last days that I would ever spend with her, which now strikes me also as sad and ridiculous. I understood what it was to want to get on that scale and look at the number and stand there shrunken and triumphant. The moment when that happened, I was sitting beside her. Susan Burton is an editor at This American Life, and has also contributed pieces to the show, including a story about being stranded in the airport as a child, which was adapted into a film, Unaccompanied Minors. But instead of going straight upstairs, I went straight into the kitchen, where I started bingeing. I pulled into my driveway, went inside, hung my key. Go straight upstairs." Meaning that I was going to circumvent the kitchen, because if I went to the kitchen, surely I would binge. And almost immediately I was chanting to myself, "I'm going to go inside. I wanted kind of like this merger of souls.Īnd I often left encounters with her feeling deflated by not getting this - and that night was no exception. And I always wanted more from my friendship with Jules.
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An eating disorder is a way to cope with pain, or to cope with emotional needs that aren't being met. I'm driving home from a concert with my best friend Jules, and I start the story in the car rather than in the kitchen, because an eating disorder is about so much more than food. I'll give you an example of what it looked like for me: This is when I'm 17.
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An eating disorder is about so much more than food.